Choice Jokes for the Ladies

  Subject: A gardening story
A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date, 
wearing a see-through blouse but no bra.


Her grandmother saw and pitched a fit, telling her not to dare
 go out like that!


The teenager told her, "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern 
times. You've gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.


The next day the teenager came downstairs, and the 
grandmother was sitting there with no top on.


The teenage granddaughter freaked. She shrieked to her 
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is 
just not appropriate...


The grandmother said, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show 
off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."


Happy Gardening!!


__________


 Subject: A Women's Study


A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a 
woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is 
in her menstrual cycle.


For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with 
rugged and masculine features.


And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted 
to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed 
up his rear, while he is on fire.


Further studies are expected.


__________


Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked 
to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. 
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once 
a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk 
alone. 


People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,
 revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.


Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one 
at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will 
discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, 
and the other for helping others.


If you share this with another woman, something good will 
happen . . . you will boost another woman's self esteem, 
and she will know that you care about her.


__________


Emails Subject: A Woman's Prayer


Dear Lord,
I pray For wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
Patience for his moods
Because Lord if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.


Amen.


__________


Subject: Sunday Sermon


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your 
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how 
many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up 
their hands. Not satisfied he argued for another twenty minutes 
and repeated his question. This time he received a response 
of about 80 percent.


Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and 
repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday 
dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. "
"How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the 
congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not
 have any enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very 
slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the
 witches."


__________


 Subject: A birthday wish.


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love 
to be six again," she replied.


On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early 
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her 
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, 
the Wall of Fear-everything there was!


Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her 
head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a 
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac 
for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.


Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot 
dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous 
adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed 
into bed.


He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it 
like being six again?"


One eye opened. "I meant my dress size."


__________


 Subject: The Dutiful Wife


There was a man who had worked all his life and who had 
saved all of his money & was a real miser when it came to his 
money. He loved money more than JUST about anything, and 
just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die,
 I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with 
me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that 
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket 
with him.


Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was 
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. 
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers 
got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a 
minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box 
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the 
casket down, and they rolled it away.


So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put 
all that money in there with your husband."


She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. 
I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket 
with him."


"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
 him!!!!?"


"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check (cheque)".


Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman.


__________
 That Touch The Heart


Emails Subject: Encouragement
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.


One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each 
afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was 
next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend 
all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.


They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs,
 their involvement in the military service, where they had been
 on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the 
window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to 
his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. 
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour 
periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened
 by all the activity and color of the world outside.


The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and 
swans played on the water while children sailed their model 
boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of 
every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen 
in the distance. As the man by the window described all this 
in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room 
would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.


One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade 
passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he 
could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window 
portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed.


One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their
 baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, 
who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and 
called the hospital attendants to take the body away.


As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he 
could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to 
make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, 
she left him alone.


Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take 
his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly 
turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.


The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his 
deceased roommate who had described such wonderful
 things outside this window. The nurse responded that the 
man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said,
 "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."


Let's encourage each other today!!!


Epilogue:


"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, 
despite our own situations"


"Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared,
 is doubled"


"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that 
money can't buy"


"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."


_________


Emails - Blonde Jokes


Email Subject: Blonde Jokes
AUTO REPAIR


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the 
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is 
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"


He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."


She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


_____


SPEEDING TICKET


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her 
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday 
you take away my license and then today you expect me to 
show it to you!"


_____


RIVER WALK


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and 
sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
 shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde
 looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 
"You ARE on the other side."


_____


KNITTING


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
 freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
 blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
 oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked 
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"


"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


_____


BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. 
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American 
said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So 
what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian 
and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.


"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
 Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
 know. We're going at night!"


______


IN A VACUUM


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
 She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her 
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
 name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, 
"Is it on or off?"


_____


FINAL EXAM


The blonde reported for her university final examination that 
consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the 
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes 
and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a
 coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.


Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
 class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she i
s seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
 The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is 
going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm 
rechecking my answers."


_____


THE DIET


A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and 
repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you,
 you'll have lost at least five pounds."


When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, 
that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
 instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought 
I was going to drop dead that third day."


"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from skipping."


_____


THE INTERVIEW


An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position 
in his company. He wanted to find out something about her 
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation 
with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde 
quickly responded, "The living one."


__________


I'M PREGNANT!


The other day my neighbor, who is blond, came running up to 
me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some 
really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy.
"I"m pregnant!


I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 
"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"


Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean
 'more'?"


She said, ". We are going to have TWINS!"


Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
 I asked her how she knew. She said.... "Well, that was the easy 
part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy
 kit in a TWIN-pack.


"Both tests came out positive.


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