A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a
horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the
hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who
was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him,
Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
=====================================================
Computer Trouble
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11
year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control
and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons
and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after
him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an 'ID ten T' error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, 'ID ten T' error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.
' Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error
before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.' So I wrote down: 'I D 1 0 T'
I used to like Eric ..
===============================================
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Orangeville , Ontario,
Canada was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off
the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things..
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden
shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You
should lock your doors and an officer
will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the
police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just
shot and killed them both, the dogs are
eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter,
two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and
an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught
the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
==================================================
The Wedding Night
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first
night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets
up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to
school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies,
'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I t hink?' His mom replies,
'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny
comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up
yet?' She replies, 'No.' Joh nny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and
go back to school ' After school, Johnny comes home and asks
again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks,
'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me
what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for
the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.
===================================================
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second
child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.
When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911".
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the
paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then
thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year
old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place. Smack him again!
============================================
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
***************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
******************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
********************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
***********************************************
AND THE BEST FOR L AST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
******************************************
No comments:
Post a Comment