Funny Clean Jokes - Drop Dead
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when
Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead
at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing
up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell
Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the
most discreet Irishmen
you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: '
Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
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Classic Yarn - Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off
foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a
firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers
Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of
the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping
gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to
remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
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Five Amusing Shop Signs
1) Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
2) Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH,
WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
3) On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE
USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
4) At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
5) Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: '
The Lone Drainer - he come pronto.'
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The Way to Hell?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an
elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, 'I've got news for you.
You're going straight to hell.' The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, 'Oh no,
I'm on the wrong bus, I wanted to go to Baltimore.'
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Clean Jokes from the Classroom
Five School Excuse Notes
1) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
2) Please excuse Emma for being absent last week. She had flue
so I had her shot.
3) Please excuse Eddie from P.E. Yesterday he fell out of a
sycamore tree and misplaced his hip.
4) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
5) Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the
lessons afterwards.
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Know your Apples
Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church
elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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School Fee Increase
An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster, Mr
Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute
an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary
typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word, consequently, the
letter read thus:
Dear Mr Elsworth
Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by
7% per anus.
Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)
The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:
Dear Headmaster
I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose
as before.
Yours sincerely
W.K Elswort
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Funny Clean Police Jokes
Police Officer in Court
Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights
flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at.
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Something Missing?
Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan,
Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband
was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is
fabulous with the children.
Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent,
bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.
Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
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Parents Give a Great Send-off
Young Tony was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at
Manchester station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the
bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.
'The next train is in one hour,' intoned the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Tony had a coke.
Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.
'Next one is sixty minutes from now,' grunted the stationmaster.
An hour later, Tony, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents
leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and
began to laugh uproariously.
'Your parents just left you,' said the stationmaster. 'Why are you laughing?'
Tony smiled, 'They only came to see me off.'
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Funny Supermarket Story
This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four point
instructions,the technique never fails.
Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.
Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is
here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of
thin air.'
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It's Barbie Time
I was waiting at a customer services station at Asda when a woman in front of me was
returning a disposable barbeque. When asked why she was returning the barbeque,
she replied, 'There was no meat in in it.'
The shop assistant patiently explained that the disposable barbeque was simply to
cook the meat and it did not include any food. Whereupon, the customer looked very
embarrassed indeed.
The assistant checked the receipt and asked: 'There are 3 barbeques on here, are you
returning the other two as well?'
'I can't', said the woman, 'they are at home in the freezer'.
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Guy's Tale of the Three Bags
At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags. He puts them down
and says to the young lady, 'I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to
Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.' Her face shows signs of confusion before her
training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'
'Why not?' demands Guy, 'you did the last time I flew with you.'
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A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the
other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in
on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the
fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.
Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can
buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
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Rubbish Ambition?
I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'
'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.
I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a
career,' I finally managed to reply.
'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.
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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a
cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed
my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled
back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on
fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs
in his mouth.
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It's a Dog's Life - Funny Clean Joke
One evening, Bill and Jackson's wives decided to dine out a new Chinese Restaurant.
Jackson's wife Julie was inseparable from her Pekingese dog called 'Pepe'. So Julie took
Pepe along with them to the restaurant. Whenever they went to their usual restaurant the
manager's wife looked after Pepe while they ate, and they thought it would be no different
this new restaurant.
Julie and her friend Rachel, gave Pepe to the owner and went to their seats. They ordered
their meal, had a few drinks and eventually their meal arrived. They were mortified when
it turned out to be their beloved Pepe surrounded by Chop Suey.
As the owner explained the next day to Bill and Jackson, they thought that Julie and Rachel
wanted the chef to cook the dog, not look after it while the women dined.
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Two Funny Funny Clean Camouflage Jokes
1) An Excerpt taken from the "Irish Army Camouflage Manual"An Excerpt taken from the
"Irish Army Camouflage Manual"
When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and
put them on his helmet.
When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them
on his helmet.
When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet
for the best camouflag.
2) Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman's outfitters and asks, 'Do you sell
camouflage
jackets?'
'Yes, indeed,' replies the salesman, unfortunately we can't find them.'
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The American and the Welsh Farmer
An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill
farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy
conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres
he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise,
saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half
my farm'. ' Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to
the knackers yard.'
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Amusing One-Liners
1) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
2) Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it
can't be fired.
3) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman
gets her master's.
5) Confucius say, 'Man who sinks into woman's arms; Soon has his arms in woman's
sink.'
6) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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Drôle News Items
1) A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but
by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
2) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: 'This product not
intended for use as a dental drill.'
3) Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention
alarm system.
This is even worse than last year,' said the distraught homeowner, 'when someone broke in and
stole my new security system.'
4) Small Fry?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the
smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the 'Chips 'r Us' fish and chippy
on the Sutton Road.
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Silly Puns
1) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn't find any.
3) 'Deja Moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
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Amusing Joke from our Lawyer Pages
True Courtroom Exchanges
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Something Missing?
Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire,
along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous
with the children.
Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent,
bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.
Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?
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A Sign You're Drunk
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley
and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you
cannot overtake it. Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the
giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
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