Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hey there-Good Jokes Inside

Know It All,

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the
 CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left
to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every now and then they
send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
 question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his
obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do
 with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying
 to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send
it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us
 a free package of plaster.”
"What do you do with the foreskin from a vasectomy"?
We send to Washington and they turn them into I.R.S. Agents.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer  purchased
a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having  smoked his entire stockpile of these
great cigars, the lawyer filed a  claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer  stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of
small fires..’ The insurance  company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason, that the man had  consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with  the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated  nevertheless, that
the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which  it had warranted
 that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that  it would
 insure them against fire, without defining what is considered  to be
 unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the  claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the  insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for  his
 loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance  claim and testimony from the previous
case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally
 burning his insured property and  was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine. This true story  won First Place in last year’s
Criminal Lawyers Award  contest.

The Way his Mother Used to…

He didn’t like my casserole
He didn’t like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard,
Not like mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like my stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
Was searching for a clue,
Then turned around and smacked him…
Like his Mother used to do.


My wife and I took a Poem writing course together. After a few
weeks we decided to share what we had written
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart
& I got a Heart Attack.

God saw me hungry, he created food.
He saw me thirsty, he created water.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you?

Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you

and that’s when the fight started…

three Wishes
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his
surprise, a genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the
bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie.
“But there’s a catch,” the genie continued. “For each of your wishes,
every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for.”
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front
of him. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris,”
said the genie. “What is your next wish?”
“I could really use a million dollars.” replied the man, and POOF! One
million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is
two million dollars richer,” the genie reminded the man, and then
 asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said,
 “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.

> Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
> They are always getting into trouble and their parents
> know if any mischief occurs in their town,
> the two boys are probably involved.
> The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town
> had been successful in disciplining children,
> so she asked if he  would speak with her boys.
> The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
> The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
> with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
> The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
> sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
> "Do you know where God is, son?"
> The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
> sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
> So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
> "Where is God?!
> Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
> The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
> in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
> The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
> ran directly home & dove into his closet,
> slamming the door behind him.
> When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
> "What happened?"
> The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
> "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
> "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Here is one that I am  printing  that I have blogged before..
becaue It tickled me so much.Watch out for 21/2 year old kids..

   ~A Cup of Tea ~

   One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of  me.

   I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea  set' as a

  gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

   Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him

  a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and

  lots of  praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

   My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him  a cup of tea,

  because it was 'just the cutest  thing!'  Gramma waited, and sure enough,

  here  I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him

  drink it up.

   Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you

  that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"



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