Thursday, May 26, 2011

New jokes & what have you?

Australia Day January 26th

Australia Day January 26th26th January - Australia Day

What first strikes Will and Guy about Australia day, is that the Aussies have the sense to hold this day of celebration the middle of their summer.  I expect that every Australia Day they set a new world record for the most 'barbies' on one day.
Naturally, Australia Day is a public holiday, people need time to prepare to celebrate during the day an let off fireworks in the evening. Aussie day
January 26th, commemorates the foundation of the first British penal colony way back in 1788.  The only puzzle is why Australia Day has had so many alternative names: Anniversary Day, Foundation Day and Invasion Day.
In modern times,  Australia Day pulls the nation together to celebrate what's great about Australia and being Australian.  It's the day when country reflects on what it's achieved, it's a time when each citizen can be proud of Australia. It's the day for re-committing to making the nation an even better place for the future.

Australia Day PoemAustralia Day January 26th

Australians are a funny lot, you'll often hear one curse,
How things have started badly, and they'll probably get worse,

The weathers dry, the sun's so hot it's stolen all the water,
The Government has never done the things we think they oughta'.
But if we hear a tourist say his home is much more grand,
They had better be prepared to make a very solid stand.

For although we Aussies may complain at what's become our lot,
When someone knocks this country, we defend with all we've got.
We may criticize some teenage brat, may even wish them failure,
But we stand behind them cheering when they're playing for Australia.

Because, if this is home to you, the country of your birth,
Then you back the native player to beat anyone on Earth.
When the cricket bats are swinging or when someone scores a try,
When a home grown horse has won the cup and made the owner cry
When some Paralympics athlete hits the front and sets the pace,
You'll hear "Aussie Aussie Aussie" as the crowd goes off their face.
And although we like to take a break in overseas locations,
If you take the time to question this nomadic population,

They will tell you without blinking that wherever they may roam,
The best part of the journey was the last bit, ....coming home.
For the sun was never brighter on the beach at Waikiki,
Than it is on all the sandy shores Australia has to see
The water never purer nor the air as fresh and clear,
The people never friendlier than those that we have here.

If you venture to the outback where grass is scarce as snow,
As you swelter you may wonder what it was that made you go
But just look at the locals who have lived there since their birth,
And I know you will not find a better class of folk on earth.
All across this wide brown country from the Cape to Hobart town,
There are people who will help you when you find the chips are down,

And if someone should abuse you, and does it just because,
Then that person's not Australian, and that person never was.
So when you feel disgruntled just remember this rendition,
And never blame the country for the acts of politicians,

Look up and count your blessings when you see our flag unfurled,
And be grateful that you live in the best country in the world.

Will and Guy's friend, Mrs Margaret Mather is a Primary school
 teacher; she has recorded the answers she was given in a class
 discussion, they could make you smile or even laugh:

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of
 their own.  They like other peoples.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we 
come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or 
run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like 
pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and 
also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and
 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask
 for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you
 don't have television because they are the only grownups who
 like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they
 say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with 
another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting
 firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down 
the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed 
the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! 
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her 
husband's hand and said . . . . . . 

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!  

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. 
 We turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine,
 covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The 
taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scooted back into the house.  
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
 tries to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. 
 The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
 my wife didn't
want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. 
 So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.

“He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.  “Sorry I took so long,”
 I said as we drove away.  “That stupid bitch was hiding under
 the bed.  I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
 come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. 
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
 me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw 
her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Subject: Fw: Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down    
  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear "the rules" 
From the female side.  
  Now here are the rules from the male side.   

These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1 " 
1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost 
every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. 
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
 argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void 
after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of 
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say 
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and 
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
 We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act
 like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect 
an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you 
wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
 prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping. 

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can -  
 To give them a bigger laugh.

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
 like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should 
keep the chips and dip coming.

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going 
to marry. God decides it all
way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
 FOREVER by then.

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be 
yelling at the same kids.

Both don't want any more kids..

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
 know each other. Even 
boys have something to say if you listen long enough...

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually 
gets them interested 
enough to go for a second date.

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the 
newspapers and 
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

When they're rich.The law says you have to be eighteen, so
 I wouldn't want to mess with that.
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should 
marry them and have kids with 
them... It's the right thing to do.

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need 
someone to clean up after them.

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

And the #1 Favorite is ...
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.


The Human Body!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.. 

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's... 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

This one made me laugh out loud

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