Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cheer up, my friends, Cheer up

Subject: Which Hole Am I On???

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course
became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around,
 he saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained
 his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me.
So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her
 again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be
on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
 same lady sitting at the end of the bar.  He asked the bartender if
 he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help.

I understand that you're in the sales profession.  I'm in sales, also.
 What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and
 fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman
for Preparation H, so I'm still a ho le behind you.'

A husband was feeling worn-out,weak,listless. Just not worth a damn so his wife
talked him into going to the doctors' against his wishes.
The doctor gave him a full,complete physical exam.
While the husband was getting dressed, the doctor gave his wife a report on the
results of her husband exam.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a
good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for
 dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as
 this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only
make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie
 and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team
sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband
several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next
10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

The inportance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This
enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at
$7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a
day when he was 6o years old. Now we
don't fnow where the hell he is???

I like long walks, especially when they
are taken by  people whoannoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before
my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about
400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thights, but fortunately my
stomach covers them.

The advantages of exercising every day, is so
when you die, they will say " Well,she sure
looks good, doedn't she ! "

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know that I got a lot of exercise the last
few years, just getting over the hill.

Every time I start thinking too much about
how I look. I just find a place with a happy
hour, and by the time I leave,I look just fine.

 This was written by an African-American gentleman
 in Texas And is so funny. What a great sense of
humor and creativity!!!

 When I was born, I was BROWN ,
 When I grew up, I was BROWN ,
 When I went in the sun, I stayed BROWN,
 When I got cold, I was BROWN ,
 When I was scared, I was BROWN ,
 When I was sick, I was BROWN ,
 And when I die, I'll still be BROWN .

 NOW, You "white" folks....
 When you're born, you're PINK ,
 When you grow-up, you're WHITE
 When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
 When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
 When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
 When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
 When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
 And when you die, you look GRAY .
 So who y'all callin'
 C O L O R E D folks?

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in
flight 'safety lecture' a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you
just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a
 hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
'People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
find a seat and get in it!'

2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew,
 the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
 comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all
 of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
 but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

5. 'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much
 as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
 because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted.'

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee:
'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
 and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
 if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.'

9. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.'

10. 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
 Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
 more than Southwest Airlines.'

11. 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
 to shore and take them with our compliments.'

I doubt there's any marriage where the partners don't quarrel once in a while.

When Roger's daughter was a teenager, she greeted him one morning with,
'I understand you and Mum had some words last night.'

Roger replied, 'Well, I had some all ready, but never got a chance to use them.'

The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
 But not in that order - Brian Pickrell

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave
 them alone in order to do it - Author unknown

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer -
 Douglas Adams

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare

Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many
problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon

Knowledge talks, wisdom listens

There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full
 - Henry Kissinger

He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on
footballer Dennis Wise

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
 great pleasure - Clarence Darrow

He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire
 - Winston Churchill

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone
and a funny bone - Reba McEntire

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon

Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection
of mistakes called Experience leads us to success

A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15

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