Saturday, July 2, 2011

Here are some JOKES and Random thoughts

Subject: Written by a Woman

 Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too
small.Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds.Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece
of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between my breasts.  "How long will this
take?"  I asked."They will grow larger over a period
of years," my husband replies.I stopped  "Do you
really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
over the years?" Without missing a beat he says
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may even walk again ..although he will probably
continue to take his meals through a straw for quite

Stupid, stupid man !!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water
there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, .........Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Poop.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Something bizarre occurred in my life last year during Thanksgiving week. To give a little
background, I live next door to an old woman, whose husband died five years ago. They
have lived in the house for about 50 years and her husband built it. It's a smallish house,
and in the 14 years I've lived next door, I had never been inside. I would chat with her over
the fence sometimes.

One day last year, she came to the fence all upset and said there were men in her house
and she could not get them to leave. Would I come over and ask them to please leave? I
thought it strange and went over to see what she was talking about. I searched the whole
house and found no one. Jumping forward for a moment, it turns out she is in the beginning
stages of dementia and was suffering from a urinary tract infection, which can exacerbate
the situation, therefore causing her to hallucinate. I concluded that the "men" she was
seeing was part of that hallucination.

However, in searching the house, I went down to her basement, which I found very unusual.
 It was small and had a "dug out" feeling. There was a wooden floor that gave way to dirt,
and there was a big hole in the wall which was also lined with dirt. I looked at it and
wondered why it was there. Did they use it for storage? It didn't seem to be a good place
to put things because it looked like a big dirt tunnel, and it was so deep when I got close,
 I couldn't even see the end. I thought, Oh, this must be a root cellar and started looking
for roots in the ceiling. It seemed so dark I couldn't find the "edges" of the room. In fact,
the word "amorphous" came to mind. I left and told her there was no one in the house.

Two days later, she was on my doorstep with her bags all packed and she is thinking I
am her employer from 50 years ago. I knew she wasn't well, so my husband and I walked
her back home and subsequently took her to the hospital for treatment. I had told my
 husband about the basement upon my return home, two days previously. Now I wanted
 him to see it.

Well, when we went down... it wasn't the same place! It was roughly ten times larger,
with a cement floor and white cinder block walls. In addition, it was filled with things
I would have remembered: washer and dryer, an old ten-speed bike from decades earlier,
a big pile of old stuffed animals that were also from decades earlier -- things I would have
remembered. It was very well lit. I was mortified and searched all around the house again
for that room with the big dirt tunnel. I never found it and she said this was her only

So not only did I see the "first" basement with the dirt tunnel when I was searching the
house,I never saw the "second" one until I returned with my husband. Both times,
I searched every inch of the house. Don't forget, I was looking for someone and wanted
to reassure her no one was there. It's a small place, so I couldn't have missed it. So I
can't explain it. It bothers me a lot. I've Googled, but never found any similar situations.
If anyone can offer up any insight, I would be most appreciative since I am not given to
hallucinations and am not on drugs.

The only answer that came to mind that made sense was that it was the neighbor
who was hallucinating,not the old lady!

Will and Guy's Humour - Friday the 13th Superstitions

Most cultures have superstitions centred on the number thirteen.  Let us start with a
Greek word, which will impress your friends: Paraskevidekatriaphobia, meaning an
irrational, even morbid, fear of Friday the 13th.

The Greeks also have word for fears associated with number 13 Triskaidekaphobia
[triss-ka-deck-ah-phobia].  Interestingly, the Greeks traditional rivals the Turks have
 virtually removed 13 from their vocabulary.

I have a challenge for you.  The next time visit one of those tall office blocks, see if
they have a 13th Floor.  In fact anytime you hail a lift, see if it has a button for the
13th Floor.

One superstition is that if 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the
year.  One form of this legend dates back to the Norse god of mischief -  Loki.
The saga tells of Loki gate-crashing a party bringing the number of guests to 13.
To cut a long saga short, Balder the good was killed.  For this reason Norwegians
believe that 13 at a dinner party is bad luck.

Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for
 example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.

Warning: count your women because there are 13 witches in a coven.

How many loaves are there in a 'Baker's Dozen'?  It is superstition that prevents
this number be mentioned by name, in fact the extra loaf, presumably the runt
of the litter, was baked as a special bribe for the devil not to spoil the batch of loaves.
[Will likes this one because of his surname - Baker].

Sportsmen are notoriously superstitious and many teams avoid using number 13
in their squads.  Dan Marino broke most of the quarterback's records, he fearlessly
wore number 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins.  However, some
say his number was his undoing and is responsible for his epithet, 'The greatest
 quarterback never to win a Super Bowl'.  Fate played it's part in Super Bowl XIX,
where Dan Marino (13) was beaten by his nemesis Joe Montana who preferred
number 16 on his back
[Guy likes this one because of his love of American Football].

In the Bible, Luke's Gospel Chapter 22, tells us that there were 13 present at the
 Last Supper.  There is evidence that this Last Supper was held on a Friday, and
 of course this is when Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ to the Romans.

Some people are so afraid that they refuse to get out of bed, or go to work on
Friday 13th.  A study in the BMJ [British Medical Journal] in 1993 looked into the
relationship between driving and road accidents in the UK on two separate Fridays:
the 6th and the 13th. This study was carried out over a period of years. They
eventually concluded that, "Friday 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital
 admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as
 52 percent. Staying at home is recommended."

Friday 13th Dates
In 2006 Friday the 13th falls in the months of January and in October.

In 1998 Friday 13th appeared three times in the calendar, February, March and
November.  The next year that we will have three Friday 13ths will be 2009.
Again, Friday the 13th falls in the months of February, March and November in
2009.  Most other years have two Friday the 13th.  While occasionally, years
have only one Friday 13th, it is impossible for a year to pass without any Fridays
the 13th.

The U S Governments; "Spend now--Pay later" Scam!!!

I know that most everyone are aware of our spiraling national debt.
Unfortunately, most everyone thinks that our Government is competent
enough to handle it. I do believe  they could, but that they won't They want to
put on a show of being concerned, but plan to pass it on to the next congress
because it is easier
The debt figures out to $48,382 dollars per person.This scares the living crap out
of the average family, but doesn't seem to bother the average wealthy family at all.
Do you want to have some fun that will educate as well as entertain you?
Follow your money below. See what you paid into each 2010.
Oops,did you run out of money? How much do you have to borrow to pay your
fair share of the debt your congressmen put you into in 2010? Where are you
going to get it, Well,don't worry folks, your congressmen will borrow it for you
and you can pay them interest! Aren't they a great bunch of guys
and girls that we elected to look out for us!

The following is the National Debt as of:1/1/2011  ($14,025,215,218,709)

Each American's share of the debt: $48,382

(Change in your share of the debt in 2010:) +$5,768

Now, do you have a plan for paying back your $48,382 share of the debt?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ health care for you.

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no
healthcare for you, what do you do?

This plan gives anyone 65 years old ,or older, a gun
and 6 bullets.
You're allowed to shoot 2 senators and 4 represtatives.
Of course, this means that you will be sent to prison,
where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head,
and all the health care you need! New teeth, no
problem, Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney,
lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all
of this? The same government that told you that you are
too old for health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay
any income taxes.( which probably won't apply to you.)
Is this a great country, or what??

Of course they may execute you for shooting someone,
if they should die, but I doubt it. After all we're talking
politicians here.

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