Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Riddles, Quotes and Jokes

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.  Margo Kaufman

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.  Alice Thomas Ellis

'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead
Note:

Guy is happily married to Pauline, and Will happily married to Stephanie.  We consider ourselves gentlemen.  In the 'old days' we found some women jokes, and many blonde jokes, in poor taste.  However, we consider that political correctness pendulum has swung too far the other way, and we are in danger of missing out on a rich seam of humour because the politically correct bandwagon seeks to ban all women jokes.  Will and Guy continue to tread the middle ground where we will publish women jokes that we think are funny, but not offensive.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.  Rita Rudnerunny
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The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife,
pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house
 and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw
me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath,
 guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.
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"What should we value? I have a tip: go for love. Because
love-of your work, of your colleagues, of your family and friends-
passes the ultimate currency test. It will get you through times
of no money better than money will get you through times
 of no love.." (Renee Loth)
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“Parenting is the only job, that you don't know if you did a Good job,
until it's too late!” (Source Unknown)
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"Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair; he shows a
diamond; she shows a flush; and they end up with a full house."
(365 Days of Humor)
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"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have
the top for." (Jerry Seinfeld)
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One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest
grandchild in the world. (Jewish Proverb)
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"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he
learned in school." (Albert Einstein)
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"Forbidden Fruit is the main ingredient in many Jams!"
(Source Unknown)
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"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do
but it doesn't get you anywhere." (Source Unknown)
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"The best way to destroy your enemy, is to make him your friend."
(Abraham Lincoln)
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"God must love the common man, He made so many of them."
 (Abraham Lincoln)
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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and
 I'm not sure about the the universe." (Albert Einstein)
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"It is easier to follow your leader if you have confidence in whom
your leader is following." (Bruce and Stan in Keeping God in the
Small Stuff)
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"Forbidden Fruit is the main ingredient in many Jams!"
(Source Unknown)
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"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot."
 (Micheal Althsuler)
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"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart."
(Source Unknown)
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"The only exercise I get is pushing my luck, stretching the truth,
 and jumping to conclusions, although, I have been known to
carry a grudge." (365 Days of Humor)
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                   Riddles For Kids

Here are more Riddles for Kids from Bestfamilyadvice.com
Keep finding ways to have family fun with your kids!
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Q. Why was the student's report card wet?

A. It was below 'C' level.

_____________________________

Q. What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

A. A blackboard.

_____________________________

Q. What's the longest table in the world?

A. A multiplication table.

_____________________________

Q. What can you hold in your right hand but not your left hand.

A. Your left elbow.

_____________________________

Q. Brian's mom has four children.

The first was a boy named Jerry. The second was a girl named
Susan. The third was a boy called Robert, and the fourth was
another boy.

What was his name?

A. Brian.

_____________________________

Q. The Jones family built a house, only to find that all four walls
faced south. When they were finished building, they looked out
the window and saw a bear.

What color was the bear?

A. White. The house was built on the North Pole
 and bear was a Polar Bear.

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Q. Joe was asked how many ducks he had.

He answered, "As they ran down the path, I saw one duck in front
of two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between
two ducks."

How many ducks did Joe have?

A. Three. The ducks were waddling down the road in single file.

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Riddle for kids.

Q. There are two coins on the table totaling 35 cents.
One of them is not a quarter
.
What are the coins?

A. One of them is not a quarter,
but the other is! A dime and a quarter.

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Q. Little Abbey lives on the fifteen floor of an apartment.

Each morning she takes the elevator down to the lobby, where
she waits for her school bus. After school, she walks back to
the elevator, which she takes up to the sixth floor. At the sixth
 floor she gets out and walks up the remaining nine flights of
stairs to get to her apartment.

Why doesn't she take the elevator all the way up?

A. Abbey can't reach any buttons higher than the number six.

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Q. There are six purple socks, four red socks, and eight black
socks all mixed up in a drawer.
The socks are exactly the same except for the color. Your room
is pitch black and you have to pick out one pair of matching socks.

What is the least number of socks you would have to take out
of the drawer to guarantee matching a pair?

A. Four. It would be possible to get a matching pair in the first
two that you pick out, but since you can't see, you'd have to
take four to guarantee a match.

If you pick out a purple sock, followed by a red one, then a black
sock, then the next sock you pull out, whether it's purple, red,
or black, will match one of the socks already in your hand.
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