Jokes, sayings & Quotes

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #149

** Famous Sayings - Quotes from Famous Old Sages **

Here is a list of my favourite sayings.  I truly believe that amongst these famous sayings there is a sage piece of inspiration for every occasion.

What surprises me is the timelessness of the authors advice.  For Example:

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Famous Sayings

Those who do not learn the lessons of history are bound to repeat them
Santyana

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
Chinese proverb

I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.
Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
Confucius

All things are difficult before they are easy
Thomas Fuller

Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind
Samuel Johnson

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

I am still learning.
Michelangelo

Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert.
Virgil, Aeneid

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese proverb

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more we do, the more we can do
William Hazlett

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult
Seneca

Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been erected to a critic
Jean Sibelius

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Rene Descartes

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

Readers are plentiful, thinkers are rare.
Harriet Martineau

You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.
Albert Camus

Do not wait for the day of judgement, it takes place every day
Albert Camus

All men desire knowledge
Aristotle

Education is the best provision for old age
Aristotle

Well begun is half done.
Aristotle

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them Aristotle

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Strange stories, which may or may not be true, but they are always clean.
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The Discovery of a New Element - Administratium 


Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the
 heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery 
has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).


This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic 
number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 
75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic 
mass of 312. A force called morons, which are surrounded by vast 
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, holds these 312 particles 
together.


Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be 
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.


According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium 
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would 
normally take less than one second. Administratium has a normal 
half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead 
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, 
vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an 
Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since 
with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons,
 forming new isodopes.


This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate
 that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
 concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the ' Critical Mess.
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #147

** Quasimodo's Replacement **

After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

'No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

... Part 2

The next day, despite the sadness of the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you will honour my brother's life by allowing me to replace him as your esteemed bell ringer'.

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

A monk, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?' the monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name', sighed the distraught bishop, but... 



. .... 'He's was a dead ringer for his brother'.


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